Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
