happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
