This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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