sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
