Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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