Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
