Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
