420 ftw
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
not ubering you a puppy
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
