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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm just crazy horny about you
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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