TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Alive.
So much puke
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
