this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Operation Purity has been aborted
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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