I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
