the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
