the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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