Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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