and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
