my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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