I met the friendliest cop last night
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
