There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
