Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
