He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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