I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
