I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
