I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Randomize
