watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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