is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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