happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
