So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
