He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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