I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
