sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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