Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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