I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
