She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
he quoted the bible to break up with me
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
