dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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