So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
