it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If its not for food we ain't going out.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
