I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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