I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
