I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
