I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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