I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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