i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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