ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
