i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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