Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
