Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
