i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
