only if we run a train.
done.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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