He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
