Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
